Over the weekend I took a bad tumble and seriously injured my foot. Thankfully my husband was home at the time and was able to pick me up and get me inside.
I have spent the last 24 hours with my leg up in lots of pain wondering what I would do when my husband went back to work.
This afternoon he went back and I cried. Cried because my foot is still extremely painful and I can’t walk, cried because I was left to look after my twins alone, cried because I just felt alone. As much as I wanted my husband to stay home I told him to go to work. I put on the brave face and told him we would be fine because I know our financial position.
I don’t work, and my husbands job is deemed as casual. He really enjoys his job and they are really good to him. But when the work is not there he doesn’t get many shifts and he often gets sent home early. So every week I worry about how we will pay our bills, how we will afford food and petrol for the cars. We have it organised so that our mortgage payment comes out the day his wages go in – we don’t want to lose our house, anything thats left I divide between what we owe and what we need to survive. I look at our budget daily and adjust it based on how many hours my husband worked for.
We have gone without a lot for a long time and its hard. I have never regretted our decision to move and to start our family and our twins are my life. But some days I just want to cry. Our support system is very limited and we mainly do it on our own.
I try really hard to give my kids the best of everything – they are only 1 but I want them to have the best start possible. Our house looks like its filled with toys but compared to their little friends we don’t have alot and almost everything we have is 2nd hand. I have become an expert at ebay shopping. I know my prices and I’m usually happy to wait for a real bargain unless we urgently need something! I’ve also sold a lot of things that we don’t need or no longer use which has helped to buy things that we do need.
For christmas my boys received lots of gifts and I’m happy to say that they are all still being played with 3 weeks on. Their birthday is soon which I am looking forward to despite a large amount of our friends and family saying they won’t be coming to our boys party. It’s disappointing that people aren’t coming but I am trying not to let it get me down. I’ve learnt a lot over the last 2 years who I can really count on and have had to adjust my expectations.
So the TV is our friend today, the boys are laying on their playmat watching Waybaloo as I sit with my leg up and try to get myself together to be a good mum for the rest of the day. Usually I would lay on the ground and play with my kids but today that is not possible. Today is a day I feel like a bad mum.