So it has just not been a great week. And as much as I’ve tried to keep busy and keep moving forward things are just getting me down. I’m sure its a combination of things, a large part of which is that I miss my mum. As much as I don’t conciously think about her, she is always somewhere in my mind and some days it is harder than others. I get very lonely, extremely lonely in fact. I’m one on those people who can be sorrounded by people but still feel completely alone. When my husband is around and my kids are up and happy I am fine but my husband tends to work evenings and cooking for one just isn’t fun. I tease my husband that I got married so I would never again have to cook for just myself. I say it like a joke but he and I both know that I am serious. He feels guilty alot, which always makes me feel worse. So whenever a shift comes up at work I tell him to take it, whenever overtime is offered I tell him I’ll be fine and that I’ll see him in the morning. It’s hard. I feel very isolated.
I don’t have someone to talk to everyday. My friends fell by the wayside as I got married and had my two beautiful boys. And although I’ve made new friends and have this new family of in-laws nothing compares to your oldest friends and your mum. And they are now all gone. I have a wonderful dad and a brother who I love but both have their own busy work lives and don’t live as close as I would like. And you know, they’re men. It’s just not the same.
Tomorrow was suppose to be my family day. Just me, my husband and my kids. It was what I wanted and what I needed. But instead we will be having my parents in law over. It is my own fault. My husband is working the day of my inlaws family easter thing and won’t be able to make it and he has been a little down about it. And I love him and want him to be happy so I told him to call them and that we could see them. His family don’t realise how much they hurt my husband by not calling or visiting him. They never make an effort and we have for a long time, now that we have kids part of me thinks I have to make more of an effort and the other part just says whats the point. It’s hard.
But at the end of the day my husband will be happy, my kids will more than likely be full of sugar thanks to the Easter Bunny (aka me who has been making cupcakes and chocolates all night) and I will pretend for one more day that everything is fine when all I want to do is cry.