So I have previously mentioned that as much as I love my gorgeous two boys, I really want another baby. My husband and I always had an idea of how many children we wanted and after having twins we did adjust that number and then when hubby lost his job we thought about it all over again, but the reality was that we both felt that our little family was not complete.

Unfortunately for us having another baby is not quite as simple as it seems.  We tried for a very long time to have our boys and were extremely lucky not to need IVF but we did need help and would have tried IVF if it had come to that.  In fact we were on the very start of that path when we found out I was pregnant.  We were lucky.  Fertility is a difficult path for so many couples and my heart aches for those who never get to make their baby dreams come true.  We were told that after having the boys it would be smooth sailing.  Unfortunately it’s not.  Although we shouldn’t need IVF that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.  My timeline for our growing family has been thrown out the window and I am reassessing when is the right time to try.

When your trying for a baby you focus on the different stages.  I hated it.  It broke my heart every time we had to try again, and it is extremely emotionally and mentally draining.  But it’s not just hard on the wife, it’s also hard on the husband (or partner) and I think a lot of people forget that.  Including at times me!  Yes it is hard on a woman’s body, as well as her heart and mind, but its just as hard on your other half’s heart and mind.  And the majority of the love and care goes to the wife, which is understandable, but I think its important to remember that there are two people on the fertility journey.

The longer it takes to get pregnant the more of a toll it takes.  Relationships end up suffering not only between the couple but also outside relationships as no one quite understands and you can get wrapped up in your own little bubble.  It’s important to remember to nurture each other, make the time to still have fun and enjoy life and ignore all the ever so helpful people who tell you “it will happen when you stop trying.”  Just a note that is the worst thing you can ever say to someone who is trying for a baby!!!!  You are risking being defriended if you utter those words.  It’s not helpful but hurtful.  We aren’t trying so hard to have a baby because it is fun (ok well there is some fun involved), we are trying because we have decided that this is what we really want and we are trying to take control of that process.

We are lucky to live in a time when there are options available to help couples get pregnant and I for one am very grateful for that.  But it is no one elses business (unless you choose to share) how you conceived your child, and I will never understand people who think it is ok to ask complete strangers if they have had IVF, or those who judge others who have shared their IVF stories.  We all do what we need to do to make our dreams come true and I wish anyone who is currently trying for a baby all the best in their journey, as its not always an easy road.


6 thoughts on “Fertility

  1. We adopted as a “first choice” and it was such a rewarding experience for us that I have to stop myself from asking every transracial family I see “did you adopt?!” I know a lot of adoptive parents are offended when they get asked “where are your kids from?” For us, it’s something we love sharing. I’m not offended when people ask me, but I get how the question can come off wrong.

    We can’t understand the angst of IVF or fertility difficulty, but we understand the pain in waiting and waiting and hoping without knowing for sure what the outcome will be. I’m a bit envious of other families who just “decide” to have another baby as easily as deciding to pick up a gallon of ice cream from the grocery store. If we add to our family, it will be another looooong (and expensive) road!

    • I admire anyone who adopts. The wait is so ridiculously long here in Australia and we have to adopt from overseas (Australia does foster care, which isn’t permanent like adoption) and I assume it requires lots of commitment to hang in there and just wait, not knowing when you will get a child (the wait when I did look into it was 7 years). I think that would be extremely difficult for me, at least when we are ‘trying’ to have a baby I’m actually doing something, but then I end up blaming myself so that’s not ideal either.

      Having a baby is just so hard! And like you I am extremely jealous of those families who just ‘decide’ to have another baby, we know several people like that and I have to remember to be happy for them and then cry about it at home. You have created such a lovely family and if you ever do decide to adopt again I’m sure the child will be so happy. xx

      • Thanks 🙂

        Yes, the adoption wasn’t easy by any means, and we had a long wait as well. IVF sounds incredibly stressful, especially with the self-blame (I’m sure I would be the same way). All around, the options are rough, but so worth it in the end! 🙂

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