Reaching my limit

So it’s been almost a week since my last blog post.  In that time I have been so unwell I ended up in hospital, my husbands little run about car has completely died (needs a new engine so bye-bye car) and we have attended a family wedding.

To say I am exhausted is such an understatement.  I have hit my physical, emotional and mental limit in the last few days and have been craving time and peace.  But when you have twin toddlers that does not come easily.  Thankfully my time in hospital was only short and although I am still not better (fingers crossed I feel better by the end of this week) I weirdly appreciated my time in hospital.  I know hospital is a place that no one wants to be, least of all me – I actually have a lot of bad associations with hospitals and will usually point blank refuse to go, but this time I was ready to go.  And my experience was actually really pleasant.  It was the first time in such a long time that anything was about me.  The nurses and doctors look after you, it’s quiet, it’s tidy and there’s no children demanding your attention.  I am well aware that you are all thinking that I am crazy but the time in hospital was what I needed (except for the needles which really hurt!!!).

So as I’m still not well I have been trying to rest at home.  Let me tell you it’s not working.  The wedding we attended was lovely but I was really not well enough to enjoy it or feel anything but sick and stressed and it’s very hard to manage a wedding with small children.  Thankfully our boys have always been very well behaved at these sorts of events so were quiet for most of the ceremony and managed to stay amused for a couple of hours at the reception (until I decided we had all had enough and it was time for home).  We had so many people comment about how well behaved the boys were that I felt I needed a sign that read ‘thank you,’ as I had no voice for most of the evening and was straining to try and be polite.

Add to my lack of rest is the fact that we now have to rely on only one car, so anything that I have to do has to be done first thing in the morning before hubby goes to work and takes my car.  Due to his hours and how far away from home he works public transport is not an option, so until we can work out finances for a new (second-hand) car and find one that’s within our very minimal budget we will have to get by on just my car.  No idea how that is going to work at this stage but while I’m still sick it doesn’t really matter as I’m not that keen on going out anyway!

Hopefully this is it for our bad luck but who knows, I’m just trying to take it as it comes now and deal with one hurdle at a time as I can’t afford to get anymore stressed.

Sick, sick, sick

So I am sick and feeling pretty awful.  I don’t cope well when I am seriously ill, as my body tends to go into shutdown mode.  So it’s a real struggle at the moment to try and rest, deal with the pain from being sick and still be a good mum to my kids.  All I want to do is curl up in bed and rest (I haven’t slept much unfortunately) but that’s just not possible when hubby has to work and I’m left home with two very active toddlers.

Thankfully my toddlers can be very sweet and one of the boys will often come up to me for a kiss or a cuddle which just melts my heart.  They don’t give kisses yet but hopefully that will come soon!  I’ve taught the other one, who had the broken leg and is still extremely moody and hard to handle, how to blow kisses as he’s not as affectionate but I still want to create that bond.

I always put my kids first and me being unwell does not change that.  Yesterday in my fevered state, instead of resting I went and picked up a toddler sized kitchen that I’d bought off ebay.  Watching them play with it today, opening up cupboards, pretending to eat cookies and wash dishes was so adorable.

kitchen

Adjusting my road map

I’m not feeling well so it’s just a quick post today.

My life is not quite going in the direction I expected.  I had this plan in my head (like a map of how everything would happen – see below) and due to a range of circumstances completely beyond my control it feels like that’s all been torn into pieces.  The sadness has been coming and going for the last week and I’ve tried really hard to just keep going and not fall into a depression over something I can’t control.  As much as I have tried to adjust my little road map in my mind I’m stuck.  I’ve been dreaming of how my life would play out for so long that it’s really hard for me to comprehend that it’s not going to work that way.  It sounds ridiculous I know!

As much as I am sad, I should be really happy too, because despite some bad news I’ve been offered an incredible opportunity and I need to pull myself back together, take that as a sign that I need to focus on something else for a while and run with it.  As I still try to process it all I am keeping myself busy planning to finally get on top of projects around the house.  I’ve had a list for quite a while of what I wanted to do when we had some money and time.  And since I have been saving for quite a while I can now do some of the things that will make our house more ours, which should make all of us happier and more comfortable.

 

my map

My original road map

 

Image credit – Blank Treasure Map courtesy of Tim Vandevall

The reality of having twins – being individuals

twins - individuals

Parenting twins really can be a hard task, because not only are you teaching your children but you also need to educate your family, friends and even strangers along the way. I don’t know what it is but people seem to think that just because they are twins that they aren’t individuals. The biggest mistake you can ever make is not to treat a twin as an individual!

My twins are both boys, which is actually quite wonderful, but just because they are both boys does not in any way mean that they both like the same things. And this is true for identical twins as well. Twins do not always like the same things! Identical twins are not identical in every single way, they will have their own likes and dislikes and I’m sure their own little quirks too.

Yes twins do tend to have a lot in common. I’m not going to get into the nature vs. nurture debate, but honestly they were in the womb together, were born together and are brought up together in the same environment so yes they do have a lot in common and will develop some of the same interests.

Both my boys like cars, trucks and megabloks. They both enjoy reading but one will sit and read a book a lot more often than the other. They both love outside and our dogs but one will constantly ask to go outside, the other won’t care. One will sit and watch the world go by, while the other is too busy tearing around the world like a maniac. They are twins, they do like some of the same things but they are still very much individuals.

Which honestly can be hard to manage. You want to have quiet time with one and the other will want in on it, which can then cause a meltdown for either one or both twins. They will want different things but both at the same time. It’s difficult but you learn to do it all. You teach taking turns and hopefully patience (I’m not sure we have learned patience yet) and as they get older they will hopefully have a better grasp of it all. They need to know that they are individuals, and as a parent of twins I need to encourage them to be individuals. If they don’t want to play the same sports or musical instruments or whatever, you know what that’s fine (it’ll be much more work but if they were all born as singletons you wouldn’t force them to do what their older sibling did so why should twins?).

You can read more on my reality of twins series here!

Holiday

Those of you who follow me on facebook will know that I have been away with my family for a few days.  It was only a 3 night trip but it was one we all really needed and that I think we all really enjoyed.  Usually with holidays I plan really far in advance but because this was a last minute trip (we were offered a heavily discounted rate and managed to negotiate it for when our little one was out of plaster) I didn’t do what I normally would.  The place we stayed was lovely and although I’m not one for sitting around hotels (or in this case holiday parks) there was so much for the boys to do that we did spend a few hours a day just enjoying what was on offer.

We didn’t do a lot.  With toddlers (or any small children for that matter) I think it’s important to do things that will keep them interested and entertained, it’s their holiday too after all.  So we skipped all the historic stuff and the wineries and spent lots of time by the beach walking, at the park playing (don’t ask me how many different parks we visited!!) and visiting the few cafes we could find that would fit our double pram.  The best part about going on holiday during the slow season (and during the week) is that everywhere is really quiet.  We didn’t have to try and squeeze into places and the beaches and parks weren’t crowded.

With my little one’s leg still injured it was really important that were extra careful with him and allowed him to set the pace.  And you should have seen him go!!  Although we took the brace with us because it didn’t fit to be used in the car seat or pram he really only wore it to sleep at night.  I had a few moments of panic when I thought he was going to rebreak it from crawling along fall speed, or pushing his walker around the park, but he was fine.  He knew when he needed to slow down and you could tell when his leg needed a break as he’d stick it out to the side like when the cast was on it and crawl along that way.  It was so cute!

Hubby got the family time he had been missing, I got a sense of relaxation from spending lots of time by the beach listening to the waves crash on the shore and the boys got to have fun.  What more could you ask for?

IMAG6151

 

Not what I expected

So my sons cast finally came off on Monday and for 2hrs we were happy, I was dreaming about how life would go back to normal and I’d have my beautiful happy, laughing, adorable boy back. Those dreams were quickly shattered when we were told that he would have to were a full brace for 3 weeks. The brace is worse than the cast was!! With the cast on, at least he could use his good leg and he was happily motoring around the house (albeit slowly). The brace we have been given completely disables movement of both legs. And the worst part is, I don’t know why. Because the brace was fitted by someone other than the doctor who said he would be going into a brace they weren’t able to tell us anything and we haven’t been able to get in touch with the doctor since.

We quickly discovered the brace would not fit in our pram, the car seat, or his high chair.  The only times he is suppose to have it off is for a bath.  So our options are to stay home and do nothing for the next few weeks or do what we have been doing and only having the brace on at home.  It’s not the best solution I’m sure but at the moment it is the best I can do.  The world does not stop because we have been thrown another curve ball, and both boys will go stir crazy if we sit at home for 3 more weeks.

So my plans to get back into blogging and meal planning and cooking and sewing and everything else (including trying for a baby) have yet again gone on hold.  And as much as I was annoyed for a day, that’s ok, I was entitled to my annoyance and frustration but I’ve done the adult thing and decided what’s really important.  My boys will always come first and making sure my little one is safe and his leg doesn’t get re-broken is definitely my first priority.

Perspective

I haven’t been writing like I normally do, simply because I have not had the time, energy or really know what to write.  Monday was a horrible day for me, and I honestly just wanted to crawl into bed and cry.  I questioned my life decisions and felt that I was a bad mum.  I’m sure we’ve all had that kind of day.  Thankfully Tuesday, yesterday, was a wonderful family day.  It was a simple day with my husband and gorgeous twin boys just out and about.  It reminded me of just how happy I am, how much I love them all (even when they drive me crazy) and how lucky I am.

Life is all about perspectives.  Some people view my life as hard and at times awful, and lately I’ve been listening to it a bit too much and buying into what they have been saying.  Yes having twin toddlers can be extremely challenging, but its also so rewarding!  Watching them play, hearing them laugh and being there when they discover something new is wonderful!!!  Not having a stable income and living on a budget is also hard, but it’s not impossible.  We still manage to go out and have a coffee and I still get to treat the boys to a trip to the local play centre or a new toy.  We may not be able to afford fancy dinners and expensive holidays but we do manage.

Being a stay at home mum is a choice I made.  I became a mum because I wanted to spend time with my children and help them learn and grow.  I choose to stay home most nights, put my kids to bed and then relax on the couch.  I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.  I know parents who have had their kids and been out drinking again with their friends within the week.  That’s a choice they make, but that is not me.  My kids are my responsibility and I take that very seriously.  I take time out when I need it, which isn’t very often and the boys have no problem with being looked after by family.  I’m not the person I used to be, I’ve grown up.  I may not fit in like I used to but I’m ok with that.

Yesterday reminded me that I’m ok with where I am at and that I need to drown out the voices of others, because their perspective of my life is not my perspective.

sunset

My perspective is pretty beautiful