I’m not feeling well so it’s just a quick post today.
My life is not quite going in the direction I expected. I had this plan in my head (like a map of how everything would happen – see below) and due to a range of circumstances completely beyond my control it feels like that’s all been torn into pieces. The sadness has been coming and going for the last week and I’ve tried really hard to just keep going and not fall into a depression over something I can’t control. As much as I have tried to adjust my little road map in my mind I’m stuck. I’ve been dreaming of how my life would play out for so long that it’s really hard for me to comprehend that it’s not going to work that way. It sounds ridiculous I know!
As much as I am sad, I should be really happy too, because despite some bad news I’ve been offered an incredible opportunity and I need to pull myself back together, take that as a sign that I need to focus on something else for a while and run with it. As I still try to process it all I am keeping myself busy planning to finally get on top of projects around the house. I’ve had a list for quite a while of what I wanted to do when we had some money and time. And since I have been saving for quite a while I can now do some of the things that will make our house more ours, which should make all of us happier and more comfortable.
My original road map
Image credit – Blank Treasure Map courtesy of Tim Vandevall
I haven’t been writing like I normally do, simply because I have not had the time, energy or really know what to write. Monday was a horrible day for me, and I honestly just wanted to crawl into bed and cry. I questioned my life decisions and felt that I was a bad mum. I’m sure we’ve all had that kind of day. Thankfully Tuesday, yesterday, was a wonderful family day. It was a simple day with my husband and gorgeous twin boys just out and about. It reminded me of just how happy I am, how much I love them all (even when they drive me crazy) and how lucky I am.
Life is all about perspectives. Some people view my life as hard and at times awful, and lately I’ve been listening to it a bit too much and buying into what they have been saying. Yes having twin toddlers can be extremely challenging, but its also so rewarding! Watching them play, hearing them laugh and being there when they discover something new is wonderful!!! Not having a stable income and living on a budget is also hard, but it’s not impossible. We still manage to go out and have a coffee and I still get to treat the boys to a trip to the local play centre or a new toy. We may not be able to afford fancy dinners and expensive holidays but we do manage.
Being a stay at home mum is a choice I made. I became a mum because I wanted to spend time with my children and help them learn and grow. I choose to stay home most nights, put my kids to bed and then relax on the couch. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. I know parents who have had their kids and been out drinking again with their friends within the week. That’s a choice they make, but that is not me. My kids are my responsibility and I take that very seriously. I take time out when I need it, which isn’t very often and the boys have no problem with being looked after by family. I’m not the person I used to be, I’ve grown up. I may not fit in like I used to but I’m ok with that.
Yesterday reminded me that I’m ok with where I am at and that I need to drown out the voices of others, because their perspective of my life is not my perspective.
My perspective is pretty beautiful
So my life is hard at the moment and I am honestly struggling. When the boys were little I lived hour to hour (and at times minute to minute in those first few months when I was home alone all day) and although I don’t do that now, there are times during my day where I wonder how I will make it to bedtime (theirs and mine).
The boys are finally getting over their colds and today we FINALLY got to see them smile, laugh and play like they normally do. It was lovely and good timing too as I was just about at the end of my rope! Even better because we have tickets to Elmo’s World Tour later this week and I want them to enjoy it.
There is no meal plan for this week as I honestly have no idea what I am doing!! We’ve been to the supermarket and good a few veggies and the essentials (bread and milk), as well as some other odds and ends so I will just be working it out day by day. It is essentially cheaper to meal plan and map out what you will be having for the week because it means you don’t have to do any unexpected shops but I’m just not sure I’m capable of any of that this week.
If like me your struggling, just do the best you can and remember that tomorrow is always a new day!